Trust- love it and hate it.

Where to begin? I've been burdened by some fears that seem to overpower my thoughts at times and leave me in despair. It's the craziest thing, and honestly something that I absolutely hate to confess.

The future. It's frightening to ponder. Some of my deepest fears involve the future.

Yikes!

Why is it that I am so dependent upon those that are close and dear to my heart? Why can't I live my life without being fearful? When did my heart become contingent upon being in this world, and with certain people? Where is my identity?

I love being a wife. Truly. More than that, I love being Tyler's wife. If I dig deeper.. I find that I don't want to do life without him. Bottom line. I'm grateful for what we have, and I'm grateful for what we have overcome. I like that he thinks differently than I do and can talk me through a situation apart from feelings or emotions that tend to cloud my judgment. Marriage is hard, but it's good. Forgiveness has become an everyday learning experience for both of us.

There are times that my heart feels so heavily burdened that I've become THAT woman, the wife, that allows fear to define who I am, and to influence the decisions I make.

People let you down. People hurt people. Which leads me to the fact that I hate being so dependent and vulnerable. I feel weak. Anything can happen. The dependency leads to worry. This fear. It consumes me.

All of this boils down to one question. It's a question that I'm challenged to face. It's difficult for me to process and to even acknowledge sometimes.

Do I trust God?

I mean.. really. Do I believe that His plan is better than mine? If I did, then I wouldn't be so anxious about this fear. It wouldn't consume my thoughts every time Tyler goes out of town. It wouldn't keep me awake at night. I wouldn't be so exhausted trying to control this aspect of my life and marriage.

This is an honest confession. Maybe I feel so weak in my fears because my faith has grown weak. When I became a wife, my identity transferred and I made an idol out of being a "wife." And I'm still making it an idol.

I'm all wrapped up in being someone that God intended for something greater. What is shaping my life? What do I want people to know about me within the first 5 minutes of meeting? Being a wife cannot and will not satisfy me for eternity... which leads me to thinking about failed marriages in society. Could the divorce rate be so high because of the identity we place in proclaiming the "perfect" love story displayed to the world? Would the divorce rate become something few and far between if we became a nation that was absorbed in the reality that marriage isn't about ourselves?

If marriage isn't for me, I sure do make it about me.

It's not about what I want or what I deserve. Deserve. This word changes everything. I'm humbled by the fact that I don't "deserve" any of it. This marriage. This lifestyle. Being born in America. Freedom. Suffering. Who am I kidding? What am I trying to prove? Marriage brings joy. Marriage brings suffering. We choose marriage any way. We choose the things that bring happiness and the things that bring hardship. It is inter-connected... somehow... someway.

What comes next... conviction. Prayer. Fighting the "good" fight. The fight against my fears that says, "To die is to gain." Trusting Jesus doesn't give me what I want. However, it does give me purpose. It gives me a reason to be intentional with people. It gives me discernment in my exhaustion of being in this world and not allowing others to define who I am. It gives me a reason to view others as better than myself and seeing through the lens of something greater than I could ever accomplish myself. My conviction transforms my heart into a heart of appreciation, and the appreciation gives me the strength to fight through the fears, the unknown, and the suffering that has come and will come.

Is it unhealthy that I desire and enjoy sharing my life with someone? No. In fact, in the sermon I listened to yesterday, the paster said that "God's very nature is love, so He created individuals He can love and share it with." Since we are made "in His image," we have that same desire. It is unhealthy, however, to trust in my husband or marriage more than the Lord. This is a struggle. Sharing my heart is messy. It makes me extremely grateful for the grace that is covering my selfish heart and sinful desires.

Of course, all of this is effortless to say. Acting on it- completely different adventure. I do love that because Jesus came, I am free to fail, I am free to be weak, I am free to over-analyze, and I am free to be vulnerable. I don't have to be strong, because He is strong for me. The Lord is my confidence and I am free. He has already won this battle, the battle against trust and sharing my heart.

God can make my heart content and barricade the fears. This will always take effort on my part, considering the certainty that my weaknesses will continue to drag me down. God can redirect my frustrations as well. Can I trust Him?

I'm writing this for myself... to read again... and again... and again, when fears engulf my thoughts, when my identity deviates, and when I need to be reminded of His goodness.