Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

Every time I hear, read, or think of this word, my initial thoughts set in: forgiveness is exhausting, difficult, heavy, and COMPLICATED.

My story involves an angry heart. It is one that has been wounded. (Very much like every one else!) Regardless of the implications, I carry the hardships I've placed on myself and the hardships that have been placed in my pathway undeservedly. We've all got that- the pain we cause others and the pain inflicted towards us.

Psychology teaches the steps of human nature-

1. hurt
2. anger
3. bitterness

Everybody hurts. Right? How do you handle it? I too have fallen into this psychological cycle: my hurt turns into anger, and my anger turns into bitterness. It's natural.

Letting go? I really wish that seemed achievable at times.

My emotions automatically lead me in the opposite direction of forgiveness. It weighs on me in a way that I have a difficult time describing. If this is something I am called to do, why does it feel SO impossible?

I want, so terribly, to be able to resolve this disconnect between what is right and where my heart takes me. There has to be some words of wisdom or direction.. a way to make this word become utterly prevalent in my every day life. 

Guess what? I don't have that wisdom. I cannot even establish this trait in my own life. I have felt betrayed, pushed aside, and I have held grudges. Unfortunately, I do carry and maintain some resentment, bitterness, and anger. It almost feels as though these traits are a part of me. I could say that I don't want them or that I've tried consistently to "let go," but that would be deceiving. 

My prayers often leave me in despair while I find myself playing the blame game...

Initially, I thought this e-card was hilarious. The problem with that? I was doing exactly what the picture was making fun of others for- blaming others instead of looking at my own self. The second I begin hating someone- I become their slave, poisoning myself while they live their life. Why waste the energy? Why put myself through that?

The world says, "You hurt me, I hurt you back."

I cannot say that my desire is revenge, because it isn't. I do not want to cause harm, nor do I want to make anyone "pay" for whatever it is that I am carrying. However, I do hold on to my resentment with broken family relationships and do not want to let it go. Why? Maybe it's because I don't want to? Or maybe it's because I haven't allowed the spirit to transform my thoughts. 

I am completely aware that we, as human beings, create more problems for ourselves, rather than taking control of our minds and just letting it be. While I believe in recovering from resentment, I also believe in meditating on scripture.

Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love.

Micah 7:18

In this passage, Micah is the author and is writing, originally, to the people of Israel. The purpose of the book of Micah, is to warn God's people that judgement is coming and to offer pardon to all who repent. The book of Micah is like a tug of war between God's hatred towards sin, and the compassion He has for His people. In fact, the verse directly above Micah 7:18 is about unbelievers "trembling in terror at His presence." The verse directly after Micah 7:18 is about God's compassion.

You will trample our sins under Your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!

Micah 7:19

Through my hurt, anger, and bitterness, God has delighted in showing his "unfailing love." I am covered by grace. These verses are speaking straight into the depths of my hard heart. God does not stay angry with His people and neither should I. We all know the story of the Israelites' failures, while God revived them time and time again. He continues to be faithful in this aspect of our lives. It doesn't matter where I am, He meets me, right there, in the midst of my anger and selfishness. I can sense the harsh, yet loving tone of His righteousness, all the while, He is showing me love in different ways and delighting in it.... God says that forgiveness can be accomplished. Forgiveness is reachable.

I cannot depend on my own strength for forgiveness. Scripture does lead us towards the way God intends forgiveness to be accomplished... 

I am still human after all. I don't have it all figured out. Maybe I should start with myself. Do I need to forgive myself? YES! We are our own worst prosecutor sometimes. It's never as bad as I presume that it is. In order to forgive others, I have to forgive myself. I have to move forward with the character that I know and understand today.

Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight, but the world could definitely use a little less anger and a lot more forgiving hearts. People will let you down. It's just the way life works in the broken world we live. Things won't make sense and our human minds don't have to understand it. We just don't.