What's up Wednesday!

Trying out What's up Wednesday for the first time and linking up with fellow bloggers...

1. What we're eating this week...

This week is a little out of the ordinary since T came home last night from his Memorial Day job in Paris, TX. While he was gone, it was dinner out and about.... because.... who wants to make dinner for one?? Not me! This past weekend we made dinner for a little birthday celebration at our home for Tyler-shredded chicken sandwiches from the crockpot. SUPER EASY and tastes fantastic.

Recipe Link

2. What I'm reminiscing about...

Past summers. With summer approaching I am thinking about the pool, sun, swimsuits, and getting a tan. One of my favorite things to do in the summer is pool-hop (while I usually find myself at this quiet, calm neighborhood pool at my parent's house..)

 ....and color my hair something fun and crazy. Last summer I went blue..

The summer before that was purple...

(I cannot believe that I actually kept up with the sunglasses that I'm wearing in both pics- a year apart) .. I've also done pink, but I need to figure out what color to use for this summer!!!

3. What I'm loving...

Right now, I'm loving this aches and pains muscle relief bath soak. It smells amazing and relieves all the pains in my legs after standing on my feet all day and playing soccer after school.

4. What we've been up to...

Graduations, showers, and Tyler's b-day! We've had 2 siblings, a cousin, and good friend graduate from college this month and have gotten 2 high school graduation invites in the mail recently for extended family... At work we've had showers GALORE for co-workers having babies and getting married. Our weekends have included many different showers like this as well. I'm super excited for the weddings coming up in the summer!!....This past weekend we celebrated T's b-day with friends and family. Tyler wanted to do something small for both of them so we went bowing one night and had family over the next. It was a delightful transition into the big 2-8 for him!

showers, graduations, weddings.... showers, graduations, weddings!!!

5. What I'm dreading...

End of the year organization projects to close down the school year. I'm a HORRIBLE organizer, but trying to be better... filing lesson plans, cleaning out piles, making things neater for summer school and next year, getting things ready for students to move to the next grade level...I mean, honestly, I'm good with everything just being moved to the computer on google drive!! Gotta love technology, but dang I sure do hate paper copies of it all! I guess it will come in handy next year.

6. What I'm working on...

Window panes!! With several recent orders, I'm excited about the way some of them have turned out. Here's one recent wedding pane...

7. What I'm excited about...

#SUMMERRRRRR!!!

8. What I'm listening to...

Lately, it's been a strange mixture of songs. These have been on my replay list over.. and over... and over again!

9. What I'm wearing...

Over the weekend, the rainy weather leaves me wanting to dress as comfortable as possible. Piko, leggings, converse.. shorts, tank, sandals. For work- black pants with a loose shirt and sandals. Ready for some sunshine... ASAP!!

10. What I'm doing this weekend...

We have a good friend coming into town from Lubbock, so we are catching up with her on Friday. There's a baby shower too, but I'm hoping to steal my man away for a date night Saturday or Sunday!

11. What I'm looking forward to next month...

#Weddings!!! 

12. What else is new...

We are taking a trip to Alaska this summer. T is going for work and I am tagging along. We are super thrilled to experience this amazing state! Any suggestions on what we should do while we are there?? We are open to anything!


13. Our favorite thing to grill in June...

Chicken, sausage, and ribs

Reader’s Digest Version of My Life Thus Far

Alexis is someone that I've always admired for her strength and integrity. She has worn these two traits from the second I met her and she has worn them well. I'm amazed at her ability to push through the unfair hand she has been dealt and to trust God's provision that has been working in and through her life ever since becoming a widow. Her story is one that has brought tears to my eyes every time we have sat together and talked for long periods of time. Alexis has a beautiful heart that you will see ever so clearly as you read about her life.

Alexis with her daughter

"My mother always says, 'This too shall pass…' no matter what the situation...

16 years ago on a hot, August day, I married my high school sweetheart at the church I grew up in at the ripe old age of 18.  He had just had surgery on his one good eye and we had no idea that 10 days later – they’d operate again.  His sight recovered and we moved on with life.  I graduated from college, got my first teaching job, and decided it was time to start our family.  

What a roller coaster that turned out to be!  5 years later God sent us our precious daughter through adoption.  Though I didn’t carry her in my womb, she is mine!  Just two short years later, our world came to a screeching halt. 

My husband of 11 years and my father were both diagnosed with cancer.  I’m going to be honest, fall 2009 was a rough one.  After basically being told there was nothing they could do for my husband’s stage 4 stomach cancer, we decided to keep living life until we couldn’t anymore.  Anymore came in June of 2010.  We drug our travel trailer home and he became sick, much worse than the other times before. July 29, 2 days after our daughter’s 3^rd birthday, he went home to heaven.  As he breathed his last, I sighed in relief and all I could think was, 'It is finished…'  He had done all God had called him to do.  7 months later, to the day, my Daddy was called home as well. 

I tell you all of this, not to gain your sympathy, but so you will understand that I am personally acquainted with grief, trials, and things not going the way I thought they should.  Yet, through it all, my God has been with me in every way imaginable.  He comforted me in the hotel bathroom after we found that the cancer had spread and couldn’t be removed.  He came to me in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep and gave me the best hug until I was calm enough to sleep.  He reminded me that while dropping a screaming 3 yr old off at daycare is NOT the best way to start the day, I understood that I had a job to support us.  

One morning, a couple of years after I became a widow, I wondered where He was.  Oh, I knew He was there, but I didn’t feel Him the way I had become accustom to.  He revealed to me, on that short drive to work, that while we may not always feel Him right here, He’s like a daddy teaching his child to ride a bike.  Right there with you until He’s confident that you can pedal on your own.  He doesn’t leave…just stands back and watches you.  Proud that you believe in yourself the same way He does.  And if we fall, which we will, He’s right there to pick us up, dust us off, give us some words of encouragement, and send us back out there.  But always with the reminder that we are…Never Alone. 

 Nevertheless, the time of darkness and despair will not go on forever.  Isaiah 9:1 

This verse was revealed to me last January as I prepared to share my story and testimony at my church.  What a relief!!  He promises that darkness will not go on forever!  Another verse that has been an anchor throughout my adult life is Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season and a time for every matter or purpose under heaven."

-Alexis

Wow... just wow... Moreover, Alexis truly is an incredible mother that continues to work hard at putting her daughter ahead of her own needs. She has raised a beautiful little girl into a blossoming 2nd grader full of life, love, laughter, and personality. I'm encouraged by her pursuit in seeking the Lord daily and reminded of His steadfast love through her journey. 

It is amazing that God has used and will continue to use Alexis as an inspiration to young wives like myself.. and any wife for that matter. I don't want to waste another second on petty arguments or things that are meaningless in the 'big picture' of this life. As God continues to work in you and in all of us, the only thing I'm sure of is the fact that trusting in something bigger and better offers a different sense of contentment in being ok with pain and grief because there is a greater purpose. We are all apart of something greater than our suffering.. something that intertwines our pains so that we meet or are around certain people at the time we need them most....I'm amazed at how God is and has changed Alexis through turning her tragic loss into something beautiful. The best part? That God has purchased Alexis to himself.. that instead of Alexis becoming angry and bitter over time.. He has given Alexis a reason, purpose for living. And not just living, but enjoying of every second that she is breathing in and out because of what she has gone through. It's tragic. It's hard. It flat out stinks on every level of stinking... but Alexis understands something that those who grieve with no hope don't.. and that's the sovereignty of Christ and knowing that through her darkness, mess, sadness, brokenness.. He is working for Alexis' good. She is navigating through life much differently than those that do not know Christ. He has made everything perfect for her in His timing while giving her a glimpse of heaven and fulfillment as she has grasped her need for Him is greater than the desires of her own heart.

To the teacher..

It's been a Monday. Yes, it's that time of year: STAAR crunch, exhausted students, overloaded teachers, tutoring until our brains can't possibly think any harder, and patience wearing thinner each day. Every year, this seems to be the time that we hit our breaking point.

The thoughts of a tired teacher set in, while we work day in and day out to repeat the same things like an endless broken record that wants you to remember what I am saying, so I'll say it again.. and again... and again...
"What do we do as soon as we get this passage?" "How are you going to show your work?" Where are your paragraph numbers next to each question?" "Did you preview?" "Did you write down your thoughts as you read?" "Show me the text clues for that answer." "Did you eliminate the 2 answer choices that don't make sense?" "What did I just tell you to do?" "Where is your text evidence?" "Did you go back to the passage like you were supposed to?" "Where is your text evidence?" "What should you be asking yourself for this question?" "WHERE IS YOUR TEXT EVIDENCE??" "Focus." "Stop talking about that." "Get back to work." "Read it again with your groups." "Read it again."

Where, oh where, has the energy and patience gone? Well, it's probably waiting for us to pick it back up during those summer months that we are looking ahead to.

In the meantime, there's much to accomplish and much that is expected before those delightful summer days come.

This quote brings me back to past teaching years when the hard work has paid off at the end of the school year. Thinking about students that grew, gained integrity, and became little human beings with a different outlook on school or what life should be- that's worth it. Getting an email from a parent talking about how well their child is doing as they transitioned to the next grade level- that's worth it. The one child that begins making better decisions for themselves while they're in your classroom and under your influence- that's worth it. A child that might not have passed the STAAR, but made significant improvements on the test from the year before- that's worth it. Gaining confidence and being proud of what they learned- that's worth it.

As summer approaches, I always tend to forget how much the kids need us, especially at this time of the year! They are just as tired as we are. They are still dealing with emotional stress in homes or whatever struggles that they carry from home to school each day. School is supposed to be their safe place: a place where they are loved, encouraged, sought out, and appreciated... but it becomes a place where the stress is built higher because of this strenuous testing time. I have to watch myself and the way I react to the way they deal with the stress, countless quiet hours of sitting in desks, and trying to maintain the high expectations of teachers (ME!).

The way I talk to them becomes the way they talk to themselves as they sit for those countless quiet hours in their desks stressing over the answer choices. Is the broken record, self-talk working? I don't know, but I think trying to make them pass a test is missing the point. I am missing the point. Maybe it's time to take a step back, breathe, and focus on what the students are doing right rather than what they are doing wrong or what they are forgetting every time they miss a question.

I mean, just today I was getting on to students for not returning their tutoring note. I can honestly say that several of those children have parents who could care less about their education or might just be caught up in other things. AND here I am, blaming them for something they had no control over. Why? Because I am allowing a test to be too "big." I am forgetting the influence I have on their lives. Now I have to ask the hard question, is this influence becoming something positive or negative to these children?

I remember my first year of teaching and saying to myself, "I will quit teaching before I become the hard, mean teacher: the teacher that makes students feel bad about themselves." Here it is 5 years later... What makes us insensitive to the student's needs so quickly?

So here it is.. It's time to make my students believe that there is MORE than what this test does to them, to all of us. There is a reason for the tests, yes, but it doesn't define you. All you can do is your best. At the end of the day, that's all I can ask of you, right? There's better things to come than spending an entire year preparing for a test that seems so impossible to some students. How can I expect for you to pass something that seems unreachable??...

OR... Maybe I should ask,

How can I make you believe that it IS reachable? All you have to do is try. Improvement is reachable. Tell yourself you can. Tell yourself that you will. Don't give up. Let's not make this about pass or fail. Let's work together to get the best out of you: the best kind of leadership, the best kind of role model for your family, the best kind of responsibility, the best kind of thinking skills, the best kind of ownership, the best kind of character...... If we can achieve THAT.... think about the things these children will accomplish and even what they will do for us on a test.

The students that walk in my room need to know that I am for them, that I believe in them, and that I care about them. No one would work hard for someone that is against them. We can help students believe in better things, right? We can help them overcome inner/outer struggles faced on a daily basis. More importantly, we can help students believe in themselves... right?

It's up to us to continue fighting the good fight for students.

More than anything.. I needed this reminder.. We are all right there together: tired, impatient, and wearing thin. In the end, things have a way of working themselves out. Somehow, it always does.

Life Lately..

Between getting 4th graders ready for the writing STAAR, keeping up with grad-school, seeking and finding a new church home, Tyler being out of town here and there, and well... just life... I must say, it's been a whirlwind of a month. There's been a lot to celebrate with pregnant friends, weddings, and upcoming showers. Being surrounded with these happy times are such a blessing to be a part of.

At the beginning of the month, we celebrated my sister-in-law's wedding...

They are such an adorable couple! SO enjoyed being a part of their special day!

 .. and we also celebrated my sister's 17th birthday.

It amazes me that she is 17!! I remember when she was in elementary school and we would have sister slumber parties!! We were two peas in a pod. Now, she's all grown up and about to be a senior in high school!! CrAzY!! Time just flies people!!

In between the beginning of the month and spring break... we had a SNOW DAY!! (And before this snow day, we had two others.) I heard someone say... "Old man winter confused the north and south this year"... and I like it, so I'm stealing it... BUT Texas weather is, seriously, SO erratic!!! Of course, I had to eat some of it and decided to have an afternoon "snow" latte on that wonderful day off of school.

We took a little vacay over spring break this year. Chicago, IL is a great city to visit! It was a great time with friends, site seeing, and eating fabulous food.

If you ever go to Chicago, I highly encourage going to "The Bean" and Willis Tower Sky Deck. These are two things that I'm thankful we were able to experience while we were there. There's so much to do, but these were my fave. Michigan street, known as the "Magnificent Mile," was pretty cool too. There's tons of shopping for the girls, but if you come from the city, then it might not be all it's glammed up to be for you.

Over the break, we also took a day trip to see Magnolia Market from the show "Fixer Upper" on HGTV! It was super-fab, but we didn't buy much since the prices were a little extravagant. 

I got to ride with these gems..

Took me back to those good 'ol college days! Missed them so much!

At their store..

Since spring break...or somewhere in between...

Christiana and Dustin's wedding-- happy happy couple!
Tyler spent a week in Nashville at a convention for his company.

Brunch, brunch, and more brunch because it's so rad

Membership class at our new church home

Semi-pro hockey game-- we've never been, it was pretty fun AND it was free for us!! What could be better than that??

A date night-- yessssss!

Like I said before.. so much to be grateful for this month as March comes to an end.

However.. Today....

****I'm relieved that writing STAAR has come and gone. Teachers.. I know you understand!!

It sure does feel good.. now- waiting for the scores to come back.. At the moment though, we have survived thus far!!

It's Holy Week! Easter is this Sunday, and for the first time, Tyler and I are reading through the events that take place the week before the resurrection. If you'd like to follow along, the events are in order at the bottom of this post.

As we are being reminded and challenged by Jesus' ministry, one of the events that took hold of me was when Jesus wept over Jerusalem. Although it seems like an insignificant event compared to everything that took place that week, the verses describe Jesus weeping over the city's lack of peace. There were even some Jews who desired to follow Jesus, but they were so petrified of the Pharisees that they did not speak up.... These verses captured my attention for several reasons.

1. Jesus is weeping for all of us. 
2. He is weeping for our hard hearts. 
3. He is weeping as we continue to seek the approval of others.
4. I am a slave to my sin just like the city of Jerusalem.
5. I cannot find peace apart from the one true King.

Meditating on this reminds me of the glorious day that is coming... Sunday... and the someday when we will all stand before Him. It completely silences my heart, mind, attitude...

Here is the handout we received with the rest of the verses:

I hope you all enjoy the rest of your week and have a joyful day of celebrating Easter this weekend!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

Every time I hear, read, or think of this word, my initial thoughts set in: forgiveness is exhausting, difficult, heavy, and COMPLICATED.

My story involves an angry heart. It is one that has been wounded. (Very much like every one else!) Regardless of the implications, I carry the hardships I've placed on myself and the hardships that have been placed in my pathway undeservedly. We've all got that- the pain we cause others and the pain inflicted towards us.

Psychology teaches the steps of human nature-

1. hurt
2. anger
3. bitterness

Everybody hurts. Right? How do you handle it? I too have fallen into this psychological cycle: my hurt turns into anger, and my anger turns into bitterness. It's natural.

Letting go? I really wish that seemed achievable at times.

My emotions automatically lead me in the opposite direction of forgiveness. It weighs on me in a way that I have a difficult time describing. If this is something I am called to do, why does it feel SO impossible?

I want, so terribly, to be able to resolve this disconnect between what is right and where my heart takes me. There has to be some words of wisdom or direction.. a way to make this word become utterly prevalent in my every day life. 

Guess what? I don't have that wisdom. I cannot even establish this trait in my own life. I have felt betrayed, pushed aside, and I have held grudges. Unfortunately, I do carry and maintain some resentment, bitterness, and anger. It almost feels as though these traits are a part of me. I could say that I don't want them or that I've tried consistently to "let go," but that would be deceiving. 

My prayers often leave me in despair while I find myself playing the blame game...

Initially, I thought this e-card was hilarious. The problem with that? I was doing exactly what the picture was making fun of others for- blaming others instead of looking at my own self. The second I begin hating someone- I become their slave, poisoning myself while they live their life. Why waste the energy? Why put myself through that?

The world says, "You hurt me, I hurt you back."

I cannot say that my desire is revenge, because it isn't. I do not want to cause harm, nor do I want to make anyone "pay" for whatever it is that I am carrying. However, I do hold on to my resentment with broken family relationships and do not want to let it go. Why? Maybe it's because I don't want to? Or maybe it's because I haven't allowed the spirit to transform my thoughts. 

I am completely aware that we, as human beings, create more problems for ourselves, rather than taking control of our minds and just letting it be. While I believe in recovering from resentment, I also believe in meditating on scripture.

Where is another God like you, who pardons the guilt of the remnant, overlooking the sins of his special people? You will not stay angry with your people forever, because you delight in showing unfailing love.

Micah 7:18

In this passage, Micah is the author and is writing, originally, to the people of Israel. The purpose of the book of Micah, is to warn God's people that judgement is coming and to offer pardon to all who repent. The book of Micah is like a tug of war between God's hatred towards sin, and the compassion He has for His people. In fact, the verse directly above Micah 7:18 is about unbelievers "trembling in terror at His presence." The verse directly after Micah 7:18 is about God's compassion.

You will trample our sins under Your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!

Micah 7:19

Through my hurt, anger, and bitterness, God has delighted in showing his "unfailing love." I am covered by grace. These verses are speaking straight into the depths of my hard heart. God does not stay angry with His people and neither should I. We all know the story of the Israelites' failures, while God revived them time and time again. He continues to be faithful in this aspect of our lives. It doesn't matter where I am, He meets me, right there, in the midst of my anger and selfishness. I can sense the harsh, yet loving tone of His righteousness, all the while, He is showing me love in different ways and delighting in it.... God says that forgiveness can be accomplished. Forgiveness is reachable.

I cannot depend on my own strength for forgiveness. Scripture does lead us towards the way God intends forgiveness to be accomplished... 

I am still human after all. I don't have it all figured out. Maybe I should start with myself. Do I need to forgive myself? YES! We are our own worst prosecutor sometimes. It's never as bad as I presume that it is. In order to forgive others, I have to forgive myself. I have to move forward with the character that I know and understand today.

Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight, but the world could definitely use a little less anger and a lot more forgiving hearts. People will let you down. It's just the way life works in the broken world we live. Things won't make sense and our human minds don't have to understand it. We just don't. 

Friday Favorites

Hey there! Happy Friday!! Yay for the weekend!

I've seen some friends and fellow bloggers join in on the #FridayFavorites fun, so I decided to take a plunge and join in on the fun as well! I enjoy reading other peoples' faves and get great ideas.

Here are some of my recent, or not so recent favorites...

Date Night Blog Questions

It's a rare, yet sweet occasion to have a date night to ourselves. We don't typically have an enjoyable "date night" evening when our conversation overflows with negativity or work-related topics, so we do what we can to avoid that. This usually involves random convo, but sometimes it's difficult to avoid the not-so-fun topics that might be dominating our thoughts. Thanks to Pinterest, we've found that these questions are a simple, fun solution! 

A couple of the blog questions we have used or started, but not yet finished:

Link

Link

Kelly Clarkson's "Heartbeat Song"

This song makes for a great jam session! I've always been a fan of Kelly Clarkson, but I'm a huge fan of the way she uses her baby's heartbeat as inspiration for song writing.

My Students' Blogs

Here are a few links to some that are pretty creative and it's giving other students ideas in writing. Sentence structure has gotten stronger, adding details is becoming easier, and the students are becoming better writers over all! I'm excited to see them grow through blogging and experience some excitement with the freedom they have received in (monitored) online writing.

Eloy's Awesome Blog

Brookelin's Amazing Thoughts

Trinity's Fantastic Blog

Madison's 4th Grade Blog

You can find the rest of their blogs HERE.

Coffee House Cafe

I was introduced to this place over the Christmas break with some friends I grew up with and it is AAAAAMAZING!!! Best coffee, food, and atmosphere! I will definitely be going back!

NBC's New Series "A to Z"

This show comes on Thursday evenings on NBC and it is adorably hilarious! The main characters make for a sweet couple who date while facing the everyday challenges that come with new/continuing relationships. The series is "a comprehensive account of their relationship from A to Z" with humor and your not-so-typical love story. 

Piko Shirts and Tunics

Shout out to one of my teammates, Shelbi, who told me how comfortable these tops are! I LOVE them!! They are simple. You can dress them down, or dress them up. I'm sure they can be found at many different stores, but I've had good luck with these at a boutique called Groovy's. Click HERE for their online store and boutique. Groovy's is definitely a recent favorite and they have cute, cute clothes!

Lavender Essential Oil

There are two things I use this oil for the most- detox baths and in my mascara.

The detox bath includes 2 cups of epsolm salt, 2 cups of baking soda, and 8 drops of lavender. I've used it for gifts and probably every other night for myself... It is the most relaxing resource that gets me through the week sometimes. It helps with sore muscles and gets all the bad toxins out of your body. Healthy, relaxing, and incredible!

I also love using the lavender oil to make my mascara last longer. It helps keep my eye lashes from clumping up too. 

This Book.

I started this book in the summer and I've read it over again a couple of times since then! It has/is changing my perspective and challenging me to guard my heart in productive/scripture referenced ways. I'm learning not to just value God's opinion the most, but how to allow scripture, truth, and the spirit to lead my thoughts and life. I've always allowed other people's opinion to shape who I am and that power shouldn't belong to anyone else. This book is teaching me how to change that. It's definitely a process.

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Hope you enjoyed these Friday favorites. It was really hard to choose just a few... What can I say?? I just love the crap out of everything! It's a problem, but not one that I'm ready to get rid of. I think I broke the Friday Favorite's rules because you are only supposed to choose 5, right?? #oops

Happy Friday!

What are some of your Friday favorites??? I'd love to hear (read) about them!!

Trust- love it and hate it.

Where to begin? I've been burdened by some fears that seem to overpower my thoughts at times and leave me in despair. It's the craziest thing, and honestly something that I absolutely hate to confess.

The future. It's frightening to ponder. Some of my deepest fears involve the future.

Yikes!

Why is it that I am so dependent upon those that are close and dear to my heart? Why can't I live my life without being fearful? When did my heart become contingent upon being in this world, and with certain people? Where is my identity?

I love being a wife. Truly. More than that, I love being Tyler's wife. If I dig deeper.. I find that I don't want to do life without him. Bottom line. I'm grateful for what we have, and I'm grateful for what we have overcome. I like that he thinks differently than I do and can talk me through a situation apart from feelings or emotions that tend to cloud my judgment. Marriage is hard, but it's good. Forgiveness has become an everyday learning experience for both of us.

There are times that my heart feels so heavily burdened that I've become THAT woman, the wife, that allows fear to define who I am, and to influence the decisions I make.

People let you down. People hurt people. Which leads me to the fact that I hate being so dependent and vulnerable. I feel weak. Anything can happen. The dependency leads to worry. This fear. It consumes me.

All of this boils down to one question. It's a question that I'm challenged to face. It's difficult for me to process and to even acknowledge sometimes.

Do I trust God?

I mean.. really. Do I believe that His plan is better than mine? If I did, then I wouldn't be so anxious about this fear. It wouldn't consume my thoughts every time Tyler goes out of town. It wouldn't keep me awake at night. I wouldn't be so exhausted trying to control this aspect of my life and marriage.

This is an honest confession. Maybe I feel so weak in my fears because my faith has grown weak. When I became a wife, my identity transferred and I made an idol out of being a "wife." And I'm still making it an idol.

I'm all wrapped up in being someone that God intended for something greater. What is shaping my life? What do I want people to know about me within the first 5 minutes of meeting? Being a wife cannot and will not satisfy me for eternity... which leads me to thinking about failed marriages in society. Could the divorce rate be so high because of the identity we place in proclaiming the "perfect" love story displayed to the world? Would the divorce rate become something few and far between if we became a nation that was absorbed in the reality that marriage isn't about ourselves?

If marriage isn't for me, I sure do make it about me.

It's not about what I want or what I deserve. Deserve. This word changes everything. I'm humbled by the fact that I don't "deserve" any of it. This marriage. This lifestyle. Being born in America. Freedom. Suffering. Who am I kidding? What am I trying to prove? Marriage brings joy. Marriage brings suffering. We choose marriage any way. We choose the things that bring happiness and the things that bring hardship. It is inter-connected... somehow... someway.

What comes next... conviction. Prayer. Fighting the "good" fight. The fight against my fears that says, "To die is to gain." Trusting Jesus doesn't give me what I want. However, it does give me purpose. It gives me a reason to be intentional with people. It gives me discernment in my exhaustion of being in this world and not allowing others to define who I am. It gives me a reason to view others as better than myself and seeing through the lens of something greater than I could ever accomplish myself. My conviction transforms my heart into a heart of appreciation, and the appreciation gives me the strength to fight through the fears, the unknown, and the suffering that has come and will come.

Is it unhealthy that I desire and enjoy sharing my life with someone? No. In fact, in the sermon I listened to yesterday, the paster said that "God's very nature is love, so He created individuals He can love and share it with." Since we are made "in His image," we have that same desire. It is unhealthy, however, to trust in my husband or marriage more than the Lord. This is a struggle. Sharing my heart is messy. It makes me extremely grateful for the grace that is covering my selfish heart and sinful desires.

Of course, all of this is effortless to say. Acting on it- completely different adventure. I do love that because Jesus came, I am free to fail, I am free to be weak, I am free to over-analyze, and I am free to be vulnerable. I don't have to be strong, because He is strong for me. The Lord is my confidence and I am free. He has already won this battle, the battle against trust and sharing my heart.

God can make my heart content and barricade the fears. This will always take effort on my part, considering the certainty that my weaknesses will continue to drag me down. God can redirect my frustrations as well. Can I trust Him?

I'm writing this for myself... to read again... and again... and again, when fears engulf my thoughts, when my identity deviates, and when I need to be reminded of His goodness.